Where Do We Look For You Now?

Watched a Hallmark movie tonight. It was probably a bad choice. I did it anyway, and I cried as a result. One thing that really hit me was the eulogy he gave for the rabbi, the question he kept asking.

"Where do we look for you now?"

I thought perhaps it would be a good idea to make a list of answers to this question. He may not have meant for it to be answered, but it struck me as something I need to do. It was one of the few things that woke my brain up. Very few things do anymore. I have no creativity, no thought process, no memory. I'm completely blank. I'm going to take advantage of what little spark I've got while I have it.

So where do we look for you now, daddy?

Before, it was in the chair by the stairs, sitting sideways and watching TV, or on the patio with a beer, watching the trees and the birds. I'd look for you in the backyard out by the fence, watching the smoke rise off of whatever you felt needed to be burned that day, hands in your pajama pants pockets, house shoes on your feet, Maxwell at your side. I'd look for you over at the fence, beer in hand and talking to our neighbor, who absolutely broke my heart when I found him in his backyard, bawling beneath his tree the day after. He's really going to miss you, too. I'd look for you wherever mom was, because you were never far from her side.

So where do we look for you now, daddy?

Now, instead of looking for you watching the trees, I can find you in the breeze that moves through the branches and rustles the leaves.

I can find you at the bird feeders in all the various critters that feed from what you offer.

I can find you in a curl of smoke as it rises from a flame, whether it's burning leaves and limbs or not.

I can find you in laughter and smiles, something that so many people remember about you.

I can find you in sound effects, you had so many of them.

I can find you in humor and teasing. I can find you in the truth and doing what was right, whether it was easy or not. I can find you and hugs and encouragement. I can find you in my mom and my brother, both meant so much to you.

I can find you in holey house shoes and tennis shoes scattered around the house.

I can find you in the Roomba that you loved to watch as it rambled its way around the room. I can find you in the remote control, something you never had far from you, unless you'd lose it because when you got up to do something, you'd carry it with you. It was always yours.

I can find you in all the support and caring so many people have shown us. I can find you in the strength of my mother. You'd be so proud of her, daddy.

I can find you in my memories and my heart, both of which you will never leave. I can find you in the stories your brothers and nieces and nephews and parents have to share.

I can find you in food stains on my shirts. I always told you I inherited that from you.

I can find you in so many things, daddy. This is only a small fraction of them, my brain isn't as functional as I thought. But I can find you. I may have to live more of my life without you than with, but I will still be able to find you.